I always curse myself the moment I see a car of the same make and colour as that of my ex. Why didn’t I memorize his number plate? Now I’m eternally plagued to either duck when I look like a shade, or strut it when I’m prim and proper!

toyota-noah

Unlike most women, one month into a relationship I always put a sort of trigger to my head and ask myself at that point if I should continue dating the guy or stop wasting my time. Most of my exes can testify, it took me a month to break them out of their shells so I could know if they were worth my time or nah! Sadly, not many people pass my one month test, or is that a good thing?

On the one hand I get bored easily so I know that my man has to keep me hooked for him to pass the first month. This is great because as an Aries I am always up and about YOLO-ing my life away and I know deep down I would love to settle with someone who is not as outgoing as me but willing to always participate when I think up a plan to go climb Kilimanjaro perhaps! I digress. This post was actually meant to be rather funny, but my desire to write everything into a teachable moment like I learnt in Secondary school always gets the best of me.

As I was saying earlier, I have many exes because I consider myself attractive with so many captivating features…yada yada yada…I had to give myself a compliment of course! So my one ex, who we’re going to call “Jake” in this story, used to drive a Toyota Noah. I always thought it was a funny car for a twenty-something guy to drive especially given the fact he got it from his father, but aside for the laughter in my brain, I never judged because I was too busy buckling the safety belts of my imaginary children in the backseat. Back to the present, do you know how many black tinted Toyota Noahs’ are in Kenya let alone Nairobi? Well I have had to learn just how many, it’s like these Proboxes, the things are everywhere! I’m constantly muttering to myself whenever I see a black Noah because I would never want to meet ‘the ex’ on one of my bad days!

The way you break things off with an ex also really matters. I for one am the queen of the “FADE AWAY”, and I normally pull this move at the one month mark. I use it at the one month mark because that’s when I’m sober enough to understand the difference between how I am being treated and how I would love to be treated, also because it is sufficient time to have learnt the behaviours and temperament of someone and if I can handle them long term. Depending on how much I cared for the person I will either warn them about my fade away or simply just go silent and wait for them to clue themselves in too.

I say all this to enlighten you to keep as much information as you can about your ex so that you can avoid future awkwardness. Take note of his residence, car make, model and registration number such information is important if like me you never want to bump into your ex. Another wise piece of advice that I wish somebody gave me earlier in life, is to never delete the numbers of old flames off your phone. You can purge them on social media and email but never delete their phone numbers.

call-ended

If your exes are anything like mine, a time will come when that man will realize what an amazing person he had in you but he failed to keep you. One day out of the blue you can believe that man will call you talking about how “he misses you and wants to find out how you are doing.” If you deleted his number then like me you’ll pick up and stupidly find yourself having the dreaded ‘what went wrong’ conversation. I normally laugh at such sentiments because I live by the notion that ‘EXES ARE EXES FOR A REASON’. He just didn’t wake up one day and find himself in the ex-category without a warning and if he didn’t change then what makes you think he will change now. And this goes both ways to men and women because I know plenty of women who see their friends’ in healthy relationships, get choked up and later call their exes asking them ‘what went wrong’ and reminding them that ‘they were the love of their lives’.

Long story short get rid of the bad vibes and keep life moving because there are too many fish in this 40 million plus population average country and you are way to fly to keep on pushing with old flames that already succeeded on their opportunity to break your heart. But remember, DO NOT DELETE THE CONTACTS. And do not let anyone lie to you that that is the reason True caller exists because the day your internet is off is when this will happen!

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